I'm grappling with sudden exhaustion and I have so much to write. I just returned home after a scintillating conversation with friends that has sent my mind into a frenzy of activity. I'll push through the desire for sleep to get out as much as I can. My head now opens for all to peer into...

I sense immense excitement beginning to gather steam...I feel something afoot...I feel change in the air, on the wind...storms have brewed and electrified the atmosphere lately and it has permeated within me...I feel ready for massive change...It is so strange how things, situations, people seem to form this catalyst...I think lately I've had the "deep, dark, truthful mirror" pointed at me and it has shown me things I had to see in order to move forward in my life...(even as I type this I marvel at this ability for self-analysis...we are such people who have the fortune to spend time on self-reflection and to complicate our lives with it)...I have so many people to thank for getting me here...people who showed me I wasn't dead inside, that I could still experience great emotion and that I had indeed built quite a barrier over the past few years that only now is getting dismantled (it makes me laugh how self-indulgent our culture is and yet I feel like saying "screw it, I'm part of that, leave me alone to psycho-analyze myself)...I want to leave the walls, the bitterness, the fatalism, the cynicism behind...the fear...the insecurities and worry...I don't want any of it any more...I want to trust like Dan and give in to the faith in something greater...but I don't want to give it a name or anything else...just a feeling, a spirit, a sense, an aura that surrounds us and flows in and out of us...a Force (and yes, Lucas's idea always made sense to me on a spiritual level but it's always been a geek thing to take it seriously and apply it to other areas in real life)...I want to keep running in the rain on warm summer nights...I want to ponder and wonder and stare in amazement at clouds...I want to stand in the sun and blow bubbles...I want to feel the incredible joy in possibility...I'd like to let go of the edge...the security of cynicism...hope is my favorite word, what I cling to, what I tell my students, what I profess is hidden underneath the cloak of angst...I want to not be afraid of making myself vulnerable by putting it out there...I want to believe in the Cubs...in good...in love...in just the concept of things getting better and working out...

so much as gone into this...learning balance...how to balance things...keep stability...I think I'd rather have great highs and painful lows than keep myself from feeling and getting connected to people. I miss feeling connected with people, with helping people, with knowing their lives and having meaningful conversations, with meeting new people...I want to hold this, bottle it...use this enthusiasm to face the day with positive energy.

now I know i'm rambling and have lost focus on the thoughts that swirled around my head as I drove home a little bit ago...I like this change and want this change...i'm sick of hearing the bite in my voice...downtrodden...pessimistic...so many people in my life are like that...family, coworkers...screw it, right? life is too good, too sweet, too full of everything magical to stay down and focus on the hurt....I want to thank Chris for his incredible story and the amazing ending that saved me from the story, that gave me hope and made me smile and feel good about people...we need songs and movies and stories like his...we need writers like him to take the darkness from writers like me...

wonder if I'll feel this way tomorrow...