I have two more days of teaching left, and I care less and less each day, each hour even. I'm glad to be graduating, glad to be going to Florida. I have no clue what I'll do for a job, how I'll pay rent, or what I'll do after I get back to Lafayette. I know that I was pissed at Carole today, despite it all, because she again got on me about my 5th hour writing their essays correctly. I just don't want to care any more, I want to get it over with and walk away. I'm tired. I worked my ass off for over 10 weeks and I don't want to hear her shit any more. Just trust me to do a good job and be done with it.

I was writing Alicia tonight and I kept thinking about how much I missed that girl. I won't see her until sometime next year, some weekend when I drive out to New York I suppose. I've always carried ghosts with me, people in life who I couldn't let go of, and I have a hard time accepting change. Change when someone I'm close to, someone I'm used to knowing well, used to hearing about the day in, day out stuff, leaves and goes to some place else. What happens then is the occassional update, keeping abreast of major things but leaving out nearly all the little details that are so important and that make up the majority of our days. The little details are the important ones and those are the ones we ignore. I feel like something has been taken away from me, I feel a void. I do. I've felt it since she left for England. She still called me then sometimes because she'd get homesick and what-not, but she's a different person now who operates on her own. Meanwhile I'm sitting back here, still in Lafayette, needy as hell.

Dawn cooked dinner for me last Sunday. It was really nice spending time with her. It did feel a bit like having a relationship without the "perks" but I should be used to that by now. I mean really, dating Jen basically was a friendship with the perks. Dawn was sleeping on my lap while we watched some movie on tv and I thought that those were the moments I should live for, the moments i smile and be happy in. So what that she's selfish and doesn't know that much about it, so what that she blows me off and doesn't offer a lot in return. I'll take it as it comes, take what i can get. That's all Dawn can give me as a friend, so be it. I won't go getting all upset about her, I'll be glad when she calls, hang out when she asks (if I'm free), but that's it. Then I'll go away eventually and I'll let her go much easier. I can let her go. Gina is the one I can't let go. Same with Alicia. Same with Kim and Jen. I let Kerri go a long time ago, but it did take almost a year, and never seeing or talking to her. These women become the centerpieces of my life, or I let them and make them the centerpieces, and when they move on to other places, boyfriends, etc. I'm crushed every time. Man, that's sad.

Do I need a fucking backbone. I should be like John, place a booty call in for some action. Haha. Like I could ever do that!

New Motto for myself:
"A change gonna come, oh yes it will..." -Sam Cooke