This is may last day at work. Less than hour left. I'm glad i'm not like everyone else i see, all busy with stress from finals, working on that last paper, that exam coming up. I'm happy to be done with that, I just have to get through one last week of teaching, which is cake compared to the ten weeks I've already finished. my throat has been sore all day, very sore, painful when i swallow, so that's unpleasant. I was thinking today that I should be writing more since I've been in dark moods lately. Jen would be mad at me for being so negative, if we still talked to each other. I bet if I tried to harness my thoughts I could create some good writing. or maybe i'm so weary and burned out I'd come up with nothing. I'm crawling through this last week.

it was my mom's birthday yesterday, way to go mom! i sent her a card but it probably will get there late. i can't afford a gift right now.

i'm not sure if i need a long road trip or bunches of nothing. in august dan and i went on a trip of renewal to cooperstown, but i'm need of something much more comprehensive now. i'm wondering how much of this crap i should really be worrying about. i survive, i eat and breath and live and i'm around. its very base stuff but why get upset at the images of women that Cosmo magazine projects? exactly where or why does that matter? why contemplate the issues of romantic myths perpetuated by popular culture? why no instead accept that fact that i'm lonely, that i miss being a relationship and that I want someone just like everyone else does and when i see a couple together i feel envious, jealous, and sad because its not me? who care about the origin or reasons behind it all? what good comes from exploring behind those doors?

no matter what problems i perceive in myself the sun continues rising, the clock keeps ticking away, i keep losing precious minutes of life. i can't stop time to try and "figure myself out" or "cure" myself. why do i thrust myself on this pilgrimage of self discovery? i'm convinced i have all these issues to deal with, that i'm this person full of iner bitterness, sadness, despression, and raging insecurities and that i'm absolutely lost. if anything has changed its because i changed it. wow. that's a profound statement. student teaching didn't shake my foundations, i did. i let my morals be torn, i lied and did the things i did. the reason my ethics and values were comprimsed was because I let them be. now I have to live with that, I have to pick up the pieces. student teaching isn't easy for a hyper-sensitive person. look what happens to me. i need to develop something of an outer skin to protect myself.

so what happens now?