perhaps people are obsessed with feeling pain. that's what all the great art is about in the world, that's the predominant feeling that draws us into the dramas on the tv, in music, in films, and in each other's lives. DRAMA! its all about how much pain we're feeling. drinking and drugs are one great way of numbing yourself. i'd rather take feeling myself, i think ignorance and numbness might be the two worst sins. that's a run-on sentence. why can't i dwell on the happy moments, on the joyful moments, the ones i get in my car or on my couch when i feel on top of the world with everything out open before me, when the sun showers down 70 degrees on december 5th, why can't i stay on those feelings? no, those are the ones that run through me, that rush by me, that stop me and check me out for a little while but end up finding someone else to play with. no, i dwell on all that isn't there, on all that is bad. feeling pain is something many, many people chose to do and seek out. its easy to feel like shit about yourself and your life and the world. its easy. being happy is the hardest one to get. people will give you pity if you feel pain, people will give you attention if you feel pain. feeling pain allows you to have mistakes, its a crutch people use to blame shit on when their lives get to be too much to handle. i could never write a story about happy characters who love their lives. i have to find conflicted ones who have serious issues to work out. that sells. that gets my mind going, that i know, that i can explore, that i can ramble on and on about. write what you know? that i know about.

i wonder how many people are in love with joey potter or other fictional characters that are supposed to represent the norm? you know why so many people watch shows like dawson's creek? that's the life they always wanted, the romance, the drama, the lack of parents, the good looking friends, saying the perfect things at the perfect moments and always being able to describe accurately your emotions. oh, and to have songs play in the background of your life that complement the moments. the danger comes when we project ourselves on to the fiction we see. there's only one world we live in, the "real" world where everything in complicated. but i ask, why should it be? why do we go mucking it all up? guy likes girl, girl likes boy. they date. eventually they stop liking each other and start liking other people. end of story. difficult? no. but what really happens? c'mon. why don't we cut out the bullshit and just say what we feel, and mean what we say? why all the pretensions? why all the cat and mouse? i admit that the cat and mouse is fun during the chase, its great, its that charge you get. once you are there with someone, either admit you love each other and you work at it or you admit that it doesn't work. make a decision. teetering back and forth is crap. i never knew how widespread denial...SHIT!!! damn damn damn. i just remembered i forgot to send my mom a birthday card today, crap crap. bad son, bad son. well that's one more important thing that my self-indulgent lifestyle has forced me to forget.

anyway, i'm off my train of thought.