darkness has crept up on another day, the moon has started its latenight shift from the sun. acoustic bruce on the stereo. many things on my mind, but in a good mood right now. chatting with jeff and randy. mom got sick tonight so i bailed on dan. kim bailed on me. how many times i've sat at home expecting her to call and realizing at a certain time as i'm watching t.v. that she's not calling? that she went out with the boyfriend or she forgot or this and that, blah blah blah. sigh. i thought maybe the years had made her more conscious of my feelings, of other people in her life, that being an adult would be different for us. its not though. i can drift in and out and its all the same. i was thinking today that i don't even like some of the things about her. she's always been someone who harshly judged other people by their appearances, clothes, etc. she loves to people watch and flirt and criticize. i found that unattractive last night, even though i did it once or twice myself. maybe we all do that anyway but she just vocalizes it, perhaps i'm being too harsh on her.

watched dawson's creek and felicity tonight, i know i know, its a sad thing. i need to stop watching tv, it distorts my view of reality, twists my emotions, makes me want certain memories back. fucking television, why is the drama on tv so much more appealing than the drama in my own life? maybe because some writer in hollywood has all these preset answers to the plots so you know for sure that it will all work out. tonight on creek, there was this moment where pacey assured, um, what's her name, the hot girl next door, whatever, that things always happen for a reason and that things do work out, even if you can't see immediately how that would all happen. i would love to believe that. wouldn't it be great if that was the case, but things don't always work out like you want them to. yes, things always do work out in a sense that life always goes on, time keeps ticking away on you, the minutes of your life keep flying by. so yes, in that sense, THINGS do work out, but that in no way means that things get resolved or that things end up the way you want them to. hardly ever in life do you get what you want, hardly ever to all those situations get resolved. there's never an end to it. that's one of the ugly and the beautiful characteristics of being human.

"I have a friend I've never seen
He hides his head inside a dream
Someone should call him and see if he can come out.
Try to lose the down that he's found."

neil young wrote that. i wonder if that's me, or if that's dan or jeff. i think its more me though. my head's in the clouds, searching for answers to questions I don't even know. maybe i'm searching for questions instead. i'm looking for something, or maybe its more someone. maybe that's it. waiting for someone to come along and give me the insight i'm missing, give me and questions and the answers, help me make sense of everything, help me figure out what it is that i want. help me figure out how to be the writer i want to be, the person i want to be. i keep putting that onus on someone, waiting. dan has that person, and he has no more answers than me. i know better than that, i know another person isn't the answer, only creates more confusion. yet i'm stuck on the waiting for it all to drop in my lap. i do need to go somewhere, another place, to experience life and thought and activities and boredom and coffee shops. to reach what conclusion? i know not. maybe that its the same everywhere. i feel like a monk sometimes.

problem with people like micah and me is that we're too saturated in the thought process, the big picture, the big questions and infinite answers, the serious issues in life. i don't want to keep going around being that person. there's more to life than the search for all the questions and answers. i just gotta live it, find it, write about it. then go off again.