I think, I hope, that I got a job. I think that I got a job at a local Goodwill. It won't pay much, but if I got it, well its something. It takes a ton of pressure, frustration, and fear off my shoulders. Plus my dad said he'd send me some money next week, which will really help. Man, I want to start working, dig in and get some things accomplished. I'm working on putting together the portfolio, and I'm looking forward to seeing Gina tomorrow for a little while, but that's not enough. I haven't been writing like I want to, I've been wasting away on my couch, ass firmly planted.

Let's see, a few things. I've been really worried about employment and paying bills, and buying food, etc. It got me thinking to important aspects of life again. Considering the vastness of LIFE, and the smallness of my life, its not at all important that things like bills get paid. they have to get paid, or i don't have things lilke electricity and water, but they are so insignificant I shouldn't waste my time worrying about them. i don't want to get bogged down by the annoying neccessities that plague you on a day to day basis. I lost my point here.

I talked to my mom today and she's doing well, test results were excellent. Its odd to realize that she's dying. I mean, we are all dying, you start dying the minute you are born, when the seconds and minutes start ticking. We don't think of it that way, we think that we are living instead. But she's dying, I mean, she's not going to live much longer. My mom senses it and so do I. Strangely I don't feel affected by it, but I know it troubles my mom. She has to come to grips with the fact that her mother won't be alive for very much longer. She's getting older, older to the point that her body is starting to fail her. She moves slower, she doesn't eat as much. And since that fall down the escalator she's become much frailer. I don't know when I but I see her life coming to an end and I can't say I've ever witnessed that before. I wrestle with trying to solve some big issues in life and I get on myself for not taking advantage of having "life" and wasting moments with trivial complainning. Then I see someone like my grandma, who doesn't have much time left, doesn't have much "life" left. is she happy with her life? is she content with her decisions? does she have regrets? she burried a husband nearly 12 years ago. i can't imagine how lonely it gets going through life at that age without your life-long partner. she reads TONS of books and knits all sorts of stuff, and i wonder how that gets her through her days.

i talked to andrea today. it was the first communication we'd had in at least 5 months. it was good to talk to her. it sounds like she's really happy with things in her life, job and boyfriend and all. she wants me come visit her, and she actually penciled me into her datebook to call me next thursday. she knows what she's doing for the next month of weekends. i can't imagine being that planned, its crazy. i know jeff understands that. there's nothing wrong with it, that's just her. i prefer to let things evolve and happen. besides, the times i've made plans they end up getting broken or spoiled or something.

man, sometimes i feel too much like an old man.