Many things have passed between the lobes of my brain the past few days. I wish I had a tape recorder to record some of my thoughts. They go too fast even to write here. Plus I get some of my best thoughts while I'm lying in bed, making it nearly impossible to put them down for posterity anywhere. Lately my mind has ventured towards Alicia and Gina and Jen and myself, mostly myself. I've spent oodles of time trying to find answers to questions that everyone has asked through eons of time. Answers to BIG questions. I am wondering now if in fact there really aren't any answers, there are no absolute truths. There is unbearably loud music in the apartment above me. It has gone from "wish you were here" to "we will rock you" to "kalifornication". Its distracting me.

There are a lot of thing missing from my life that I feel the absence of, that I wish were there. Some of them are tangible, some are not. Probably all of them are within my capability to achieve. Why are we here? What does this mean? What does that mean? How do I define this in my life? What role to I play in the universe? What is Life? How short is our time? Why? How? When? Who? Etc, etc, etc. These questions that burn holes through my brain also prevent me from using my life. You know what? Life just is. that's it. Life is. Its there. I can't explain it, I can't answer it, I can't even name the question, and I don't think anyone else can either. I exist, I have life, i am a life. I have this gift, though I do not understand it and I know not the outcome nor the origin. I waste time, time, seeking answers that have no bearing on anything else. I live in this world so I should go see it, I should use this life I have to experience everything possible, highest highs, etc. I'm afraid of living, I'm afraid of making the bad choice, so I make none and I don't engage in the world around me. I'm nearly 23. My whole life I've been waiting for life to happen to me, for the easy solution, the easy way out. The girl will find me, the job will find me, etc. Poets and story tellers, they write about the world they see and I try to do that too, but I only observe. Write only what you know. I come up with all these quaint little theories that explain so much of humanity, so many of the experiences I have. Theories about why people do the things they do and after all that tinkering and pondering, what have i got for it? Some theories that fail to explain anything and have no relavence on anything. That's it. All that time I spent observing other people and tallying up their experiences. all that time i didn't do anything myself. its easier being friends with so many women rather than taking a chance on a relationship with one of them. hiding behind them, sitting in the background with a not-so-secret infatuation/crush but accepting my fate as a friend never viewed in any romantic/sexual way.

Phew. I never showered or bathed today. Just didn’t get around to it. I watched football and played on the internet all day. Big plans for tomorrow though. Gonna get up early, before 1030am, and shower, go to international office, go to computer lab, call steak and shake, christo’s, and panera, maybe drive home, maybe drive to north mont, maybe go to walmart, marsh, and aldi to get groceries. I don’t want my day to start at 1230pm again like it did today.