Its Monday. I have to work tomorrow from 12-5 so I'm attempting to go to bed before 1am. that way i won't wake up at 1145am like i did today. for some unexplained reason i am nervous about getting trainned tomorrow, something about it being too fast paced and me not catching on quickly enough. i don't even have an apron or bowtie yet. yikes. i can't believe how badly i want to be a pharmacy tech person at osco drug. funny what being dirt poor does to you.

i read dan's weblog today, his first update in weeks, and its funny. not his entry but how i used to be exactly where he is now. he talks of wanting to keep his sights on the present even though everything builds for the future for him. he talks of his impending graduation and the sorrow and elation that accompany it. he writes, "We spend all of our youth preparing to go out and conquer the world, and all of our old age pining for our youth. If we're lucky, we lead a comfortable existence and learn to rediscover the wonder every day and we keep our passion...." how great are those two sentences? i have felt like that for the longest time, and now that i'm actually done with school and setting in motion the rest of my life i feel like i'm past it. until i lose it again. i always lose faith in small wonders, in everyday tiny little trinkets of splendor, something like a cloud or even less romantic things like benches. my new saying is that "that's it, that's life". there aren't any more secrets to discover, nothing is behind door #3, the search will not bear any fruit. everything that falls under the category of "life" is way, way, way too big and complicated to even attempt to figure out. leave it to the poets and saints to get closer than anyone else, but that's it. this is the time we live in, this is the money situation we have, this is the world we've inherited/caused, this is the fashion of our time, these are the ways we communicate, this is the way we waste our time, this is music of our age, it goes on and on and on. i may even turn that into a poem.

i call myself a writer even though i hardly write. i should cancel my cable but i'm too addicted to television. I liked hiking at clegg gardens on saturday, it was nice and empty. i think i'm going to try going there to write a few times a week, provided i have time from my busy, busy schedule of working one day a week. i said i was seaching for a place of solitude to write, and perhaps i found it there. just my luck i'll start working a ton. course that would mean i'd be making some money, which is a good thing. its sad that erich had to pay for two of my meals this weekend and he and jeff paid for bowling. that reminds me i want to do something for denise before she leaves, get her a card and a present of some sort.

i think i discovered this weekend that i'm really possesive of my friends. now that i look back on previous friendships, the female ones, I am possesive and selfish. here's what i mean. when i get to be good friends with a girl and we have those inside jokes and inside secrets (or something) i want to keep hold of that, to acknowledge that special role we play in each other's lives at all times. okay, that makes no sense. i start to want to do things for that person, to fill needs they have, to lavish attention on them. i suppose that insecurity about losing friends could date back to those early high school days, leaving me in positions where i always feel like doing things for people. that way if i'm needed for something there's a reason to like me, to have me around. i do believe i'm getting better at it. most of my female friends moved away, meaning i can't see them and i can't do things for them. you should have seen the pile of stuff alicia gave back to me that i had given her when she was leaving purdue. i know that i need to be needed, it validates me. in relationships i lavish attention and emotion and such on the girl. some see that as sensitive, a sign i'm a good guy, etc. i wonder how much that is just me covering insecurity. i still love the idea of writing "i love you" on a napkin when you are with your significant other in an eatery, but at some point too much is too much.

that's just it, that's life. there's no crystal ball. and i can't rely on approval from others. its on my shoulders, and mine alone. i'm so very glad i have such amazing friends to help me along.

once i get money i'm going to start doing more creative things. painting. i like the idea of painting.