So, another day gone, and another day without a job. I didn't submit any resumes today, nor did I do anything to actively seek employment. Tomorrow I'm going to call a ton of places to see if they are hiring, and if so I'll go apply. Hopefully I won't wake up at 1130am again, thus negating half of the day.

I stopped my the library today to drop off some chocolate covered almonds and something odd happened: I discovered that I need to stop going to that place. I've only been there once this week, today, and once last week, but I felt pathetic and highly stagnant standing there talking to people, being graduated, discussing my unemployment, talking to Jill because she didn't want to work. I wanted to run screaming from that place for fresh air and never look back. I have applied some places, but I need to get my ass in gear and find some work. I haven't applied myself nearly as hard as I should have, and its time to stop complaining, to call around, get some apps, and get a damn job. enough of pissing hours away with mindless internet and channel surfing. and if i'm not actively out looking for a job i should be doing something productive, like cleanning my place, putting my portfolio together, writing some stories or essays, reading a book, something. enough wasting my time and everyone else's.

I caught a short glimpse of "oprah" today and it inspired me to get my shit together. this story about a young boy, 11 i think, with severe muscular distropy almost died from a sore on his head. the kid got better but he's amazing because he already wrote a book of inspiring poetry and his thoughts and way of speaking were very mature. he was upbeat, passionate for life and to communicate his message to as many people as possible. he was so happy simply not to be dead, he should have died a few times according to doctors. yet there he was smiling and talking by taking breaths from a tube. i saw real joy in that kid's face, real joy. you ever see real joy in a person? it makes your heart open up, it makes you grin and laugh and cry at the same time. to see a kid like that, in his situation, to face not only death itself, but also the limitations of his living life? how can you look at a person like that and not turn on yourself, how can you not get motivated to use the wonderful life, the precious time that you have? i feel worse for sitting on my ass and letting myself watch fucking television, for even feeling sorry for myself and this wretched cough of mine and the muscle pains i have. the countless hours i've piddled away feeling sorrow for the relationships i wasn't it and wasn't having? the envy i've felt towards happy couples i've seen? how much of my time, my brain power, have i wasted on stupid crap like that!

you know, i told my students this one day, and i don't know if a single one got it, but its so relevant. ghandi once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." how right he was.

"a change gonna come, oh yes it will," -sam cooke