my pc and my laptop have been out of commission so i haven't had the ability to get online and write anything, which is sad because i've got lots to write about. many, many ideas, they come in floods and then get washed away because i can't get online. stupid computers. its not like i could WRITE these things down in PEN or anything in my JOuRNAL.

i got a really cool scarf for xmas from alicia. she knitted it by hand and everything, its very soft and i love wearing it. got it on right now actually. she also sent me this really sweet card. she's working on getting me more positive and out of the rut on in. that girl really cares about me, and its odd to recognize that when i get oppossite feelings from kim, who i allow to continue to treat me like shit.

i'm wondering where dan is now. hasn't updated his page, hasn't emailed or called me. knowing where he was when we last talked i'm a bit worried about him.

i feel really good. about life. about possibilities. about being graduated from college. of course i've got a cold and a cough to keep me down. can't get to positive now. jeff was right, i've got all this freedom to go anywhere and do anything. and i love that. i'm ready for that. i'm just afraid of making a choice, of committing to anything for fear it would be the wrong choice. i'm afriad of fucking up and ruining my seemingly one chance to maximize my freedom. jeff wants to go back to new zealand for some time. wants me to go with. if i had the money, i'd love to go and find a job there, travel around and stay for a few years. i really don't think i'll have the money, but the idea of that lifestyle sounds awesome. see i want something like that, something filled with wondrous experiences. i'm ready to meet tons of new people, see tons of new things, have tons of new adventures. i'm excited about life for the first time in a long time and i don't want to mess it up or lose it to my normal moroseness. jen would be so proud of this positive attitude.

after seeing my brother on new years i refuse to turn into that, that bitter, angry, cynical, pessimistic man. i won't become that and i don't want to. indeed, i'm ready to go out and do everything possible.

and i really want to spend some quality time in canada.